Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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