I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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