ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
