im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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