my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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