Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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