Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
