Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I smell stomach acid.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
