my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
