Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
