This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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