When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize