watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
