you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
