It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
