did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
