The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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