Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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