What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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