If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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