I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
