i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
