chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
