What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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