The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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