**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
