we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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