They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
