D3 body, D1 cock
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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