I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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