hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
