Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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