I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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