the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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