i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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