I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
