Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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