i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
