real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
