I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
