at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
