Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
