True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
