You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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