I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
