ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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