I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
