At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This is the high leading the old right now
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
