Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
a search helicopter?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
