Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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