i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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