Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just had sex on a roof
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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