how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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