what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
