Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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