My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
